9 months now..

I'm really bad at keeping up on this thing. Life has been crazy, here's a quick run down on things. We've moved out of our apartment and in with cory's parents to save a little money, they're great! Cory is currently working at the Hyatt hotel by the airport, he starts the pharmacy technician class this fall. I'm very proud of him and what he's doing for us. I was working at Noodles and Company, but recently quit. It was time for me to take a break and focus on going back to school in the fall. We are going to be sealed in the St. George temple on July 21st, we're both very excited :) The past few months we've been focusing on our relationship as it's been hard for the both of us with the greiving proccess. We took a trip to Kansas to visit family and Cory met some of my old friends, we were lucky to see our two best friends get married a little over a week ago, and we've just been trying to figure out what to do next in our lives.

These past few months since we lost Jayden have not been easy at all for me. I come off as very strong but I can't tell you how week i feel at times. I mean I can start crying over a stupid show on TV or a story I hear from a friend. I've been told that little things can trigger feelings about Jayden so I don't feel as bad but I still feel silly. Every holliday sucks. I mean they're nice, being with family and all, but we're still missing that one person. I've been really confused in what to do with my life, at one second you think your going to be a mom and then the next he's gone. I figured going back to work right as soon as i could would help but I feel like it just distracted me fom what I needed to be doing. That's why I've decided to go back to school. I want to get my degree in nursing. Do something for myself, feel proud of myself and my accomplishments. I've almost felt like a failure through the whole Jayden thing (I know i'm not and it's not my faul that this has happend) but you can't help feelings right??

Anyways I just wanted to catch up on this thing, Sorry for slacking. Real quick I just want to express again to whoever is reading this and has helped Cory or I out in anyway, thank you so much. I couldn't have gotten through this past few months without ya!

Hope everyones enjoying their summer :)

3 months!

I really can't believe it's already been 3 whole months since Jayden was born and about that long since i've posted. I honestly really haven't felt the need. Not too much has happened really. I started working about 2 weeks after Jaydens funeral at Noodles and Company. I really love the people I work with and the atmosphere at that place! It's was really hard jumping so quickly back into things but I'm so glad I did it. I plan to take a couple classes at slcc in January and then just continue to work.

Cory finished his first semester at slcc a couple weeks ago. He starts back up in January as well. We got an apartment at the beginning of this month and love it. It's good to be out on our own. We have Tucker here with us but left Sadie at our parents. Trust me she's much happier there being able to run around in their backyard than she was here in this tiny apartment. Tucker couldn't be any happier though, he loves being inside :)


Our christmas was really good. Great food, family, and friends. The only thing that was missing was Jayden. It really sucks not being able to have him during times like this, making memories and what not. I can't help thinking what cute little pj's we'd have him in on christmas eve and what presents santa would bring him. I hear and see how much fun my brothers and sister's have with their kids on christmas, It hurts not being able to share that experience.

Jayden's due date would have been the 31st of this month. Two days away. Time really does fly. I really miss that cute little boy. I really don't wish this pain on anyone. I know that it's only making me stronger, but sometimes I just wish things were different. This really isn't easy.


Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am. How they don't understand how calm i can be. I do cry, I do break down, I do lay in bed just thinking about Jayden. I do miss him EVERYDAY. But i do feel him around me. Watching over me and cory. He pulls me out of bed in the morning to go to work. I know he's there when i'm hurting. He gives me strength to pull it together and make it through things one day at a time. He's fulfilling something way more important than being on this stupid earth.

So there it is, 3 months later. Things are still hard. And I'm sure things won't ever heal but I hope one day I can feel peace about all of this. Cory and I look forward to being parents. I know we will be great parents one day. Not taking anything for granted and being okay with the sucky pregnancy or the 4 hours of sleep we get at night. I will be a mom one day.

Perfect Little Boy

Jayden Dale Sharp was born Saturday September 17th at 7:42 am, He was 1.5 pounds, and was about 11 inches long! I went into labor and deliver at 9 at night, finally got an IV in at around 11. Earlier that day my doctor had inserted 5 sticks of seaweed in my cervix to try and get things going. After they got the IV in they gave me cytotec which is supposed to help dilate and  soften my cervix. I expected Jayden to take a little while to come, i started having contractions on my own in the middle of the night (they hadn't even started pitocin yet) and finally asked for an epidural at 4:30 am thinking i wanted to rest so i'd have my strength to push later that evening (i hadn't really slept). I never expected to have him so early! My water broke on it's own at 6:30 am and less than an hour later i was dilated to a 7. It only took me three pushes and Jayden was out!

When i first saw him I knew he was gone. I was so overcome with emotion, I can't even explain how I was feeling. He was so sweet, he looked so peaceful. His nose was the only thing that wasn't bruised which was so special to me because that has always been my favorite feature since his ultrasounds. We quickly noticed he has his daddy's feet (Cory's middle toe is noticeably larger than his big toe). I was really scared to handle him as he was so small and his skin was so fragile. We had my parents and cory's parents there. They got a chance to hold him. We gave him a fathers blessing. And cory even got a chance to bathe him.

I can't express enough how much I love Jayden. He is and will always be my little angel. He made the biggest impact on my life. I will miss getting to hold him and watch him grow, but i know he is in better hands. I know he's up there with my grandparents and cory's, and i'm sure he's telling his future siblings how excited we are to meet them.

When we left this hospital it was pretty hard. Most mom's leave with their babies. I was leaving with a teddy bear and some flowers. The first night i remember just crying wishing i could hold my little boy. I know the next few months and even years will be hard but I have many who support and love me.

We held a funeral Yesterday Friday the 23rd. We had tons of support! Thank you so much who came and gave us love. Cory and I are so blessed. I can't say that enough. Dallas Stratton, a friend of ours, read a poem by an unknown artist that i think fit perfectly;

Daddy please dont look so sad,
Mommy please dont cry,
I am in the arms of jesus
and he sings me lullibies.
Please do not try to question god,
dont think he is unkind.
Dont think he sent me to you,
and then he changed his mind.
you see im special,
and im needed above
im the special child you gave him,
the product of your love.
ill always be there with you.
so watch the sky at night,
find the brightest star that's gleaming,
thats my halo's brilliant light.
so daddy please dont look so sad,
mommy please dont cry,
im in the arms of jesus
and he sings me lullibies.

Here's a few pictures from the hospital. Again thank you to everyone involved with funeral arrangements and support. I feel so blessed.

 

Jayden's Arrival

The past few weeks Cory and I have done A LOT of praying, talking to doctors and family, and also to our bishop. After all we have done we've made a decision based upon our experience. We are going to induce Jayden on friday september 16th. I will be 25 weeks pregnant and we will hopefully see our son alive for a few moments before he passes on to heaven.


Jayden is our little angel. He has taught me to make the best out of what seems to be the worst experience. He has given me strength in all things. He has given me a new perspective on life in which I am so grateful for. He has shown me how many people care about me in my life which I never realized was more than I thought. He has given me compassion towards others, and i now will never take the "little" things for granted. I look at little kids that have disabilities differently than I did before. They are perfect and i know if Jayden could have a full life he would be just as perfect as they are. Cory and I have taken the past few weeks to make memories with Jayden. Some of his experiences include taking a trip to Texas with his aunt Daleen and uncle Brian and cousins, going to the zoo, watching his daddy win the full throttle disc golf tournament (which i'm sure he's so proud of his dad), he got to go to the iron county fair and ride the ferris wheel, he spent time at the ranch with what we know would have been his best friend growing up Ashton Wills, along with many other experiences. Jaydens life is so short but yet so meaningful in my eyes. He has touched my life in so many ways. I'm learning something new everyday and I pray to god giving thanks to him for giving me this little angel.

We are planning a funeral for him the morning of Friday the 23rd, I'm still not sure on the details yet but will make sure to let family and close friends know as soon as I can. I again thank all who have been keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. I know this would not be as easy without all of the support we have.

Doctors Appointment

So we had a doctors appointment last wednesday. We got a little more info on Jaydens case. The doctor pretty much said his is lethal, and will be lucky if he even makes it to full term. She's recommending we induce labor early due to many different things. One being we have a greater chance seeing Jayden alive in his earlier weeks because the bigger he gets the more his half a heart has to support. There are so many different cases I've been reading about but I can't compare. Jayden's is so different and Cory and I both have come to the conclusion that we need to make our own decision based on whats best for all of us.

She gave us a number to call for a program called Angel Watch which is a free program founded by Intermountain Health Care for cases like Jayden's. A nurse came and talked to us about birthing plans and how to make funeral arrangements. It was really helpful since I have no idea what the heck i'm doing this being my first pregnancy/labor and I've never planned a funeral before nor thought I'd have to at 21 years old.

It's things like this where I'm so lucky to have all the support that I do. I would be so lost in this if it weren't for people who start amazing programs like these. I've also read alot of stories of babies that don't make it including Meredith Mullen's blog which has given me much comfort. I also can't express how grateful I am to have such a supportive family!! Cory and I are truely blessed!

Jayden Dale

So my sister Daleen has been telling me for a while now that I need to start a blog, so i figured now would be a good time. So as some of you know I'm now 22 weeks pregnant with our first son Jayden. We found out a week and a half ago that he has Trisomy 18, which basically is a chromosomal defect on his 18th chromosome. So here's how our day went.

Two weeks ago Cory had the day off so he was able to come to my 20 week ultrasound (thank goodness) so we headed to our doctor around 10 and they sent us down to ultra sound. We had an ultrasound around 16 weeks to find out his gender so we were interested to see how much bigger he had gotten in just 4 weeks. The ultrasound tech was apparently a really good actress because it was all smiles and laughing during the whole thing, he even had hiccups which was really cute! I look back and now realize why she was spending so much time trying to "get a good look at his heart". She told us we might have to come back for more pictures because she couldn't get a good picture. Other than that our baby boy had perfect heartbeat, measurements were up to date, and he was rolling around as happy as a clam.

So after we got our pictures and dvd we headed up to talk to our doctor. We got in pretty quick, did the normal weight check and urine sample and waited for the doctor to come in. I remember thinking to myself can we get this over with so i can go home and enjoy the rest of the day with Cory since it was his only day off in a while. I had also just gotten back from San Antonio where my sister Daleen and Brian had just moved. Anyway, so our doctor comes in all bubbly asking how I'm doing, nothing seems wrong then all of a sudden she sits and gives us the news. Jayden only has two chambers in his heart, they also noticed cysts in his brain which are normal in some babies but his are a little bigger than normal, so she wanted us to go over to the university hospital to get more in depth ultrasounds and testing done. I was overcome with shock. It wasn't until the doctor left i began to sob. I was so confused because everything seemed fine, Jayden look perfect in our eyes.

We then headed to the university, and headed into a room to get another ultrasound. As the tech was taking pictures i sat crying, more nervous than i've ever been in my life. What is wrong with our sweet little boy? The tech started to look at his heart again and i asked her so is he going to be okay?? She responded by telling me his heart is definitely an "abnormal" heart. They confirmed that he only had two chambers. They also told us that his kidney's were backed up because they weren't working properly, he also had clenched fist's and his feet were wider than normal. All in all the perfect boy i saw was somehow imperfect. My first thoughts were how can this be happening?? Everything was fine this morning, so i thought. I never thought in a million years that the stories of children having birth defects would be in fact my child.

We next talked to a genetic counselor to figure out exactly what he has going on. They said that at the top of there list was a syndrome called Trisomy 18 and started to explain what it was. Now i'm no medical doctor or scientist so i was completely confused. I basically just wanted to know what we needed to to from there. She said they could preform a procedure called amniocentesis to determine if it is indeed trisomy 18 and the results would come back in a few days. So we went with the procedure and sure enough found out it was what we expected. They explained that we could terminate the pregnancy and do what they called a D&E which we know is not an option for us, or continue on the pregnancy knowing he most likely won't make it to full term with how severe his case is. This has been the hardest trial i have been through thus far. Every mom expects there kids to be healthy in everyway.

I've done lots of research, read other stories on babies with trisomy 18, and have sought out counsel from family and close friends. I know that Jayden is teaching Cory and I a valuable lesson. One that will change our lives forever. I know that even if Jayden is born alive and lives for only seconds, mins, or even hours, that i have done my part in giving him what he needs. A body. He is a choice spirit and is too good for this earth. I love him dearly even though i can't hold or see him yet. And i think he knows that. The bond between a mother and child while still in the womb is greater than anyone knows.

I have tons of wonderful family and friends that i know i couldn't be so strong without. It is such a blessing to know i have such great support in hard times like these. I also have the best husband in the world. He keeps me going everyday and cheers me on. He is like no other guy i've met. I am so lucky to have him in my life. I also have the best sister in this world. Daleen has always been such an example to me and i hope to be half the mom she is to her kids one day.

So now we wait, until Jayden is ready to come. I leave it up to him because i know he deserves a fair chance to make it even in his circumstances. I'm excited to spend the rest of these months bonding with him, taking things day by day. I know i'll have my good days and bad ones but i'll cherish them for the rest of my life.